Archive for 07/06/2008

despair

Posted: 07/06/2008 in Uncategorized

i can’t imagine the despair it takes to decide, i can’t live this life anymore, i have no power to change it, i’m done for good…

i got word tonight that an ol’ pal of mine’s older brother killed himself early yesterday morning. we played as families a lot when we were little. we went fishing in their pond, played in their barn… so cool! there barn, the older boys (one which i am speaking of) built this awesome playarea around in the barn in the rafters. like a tree house but throughout the whole outside edge of the barn. way awesome! i can’t even begin to describe it!

even on my hard days, i’ve never felt these feelings. that there is nothing i can do to change my life to make me feel better, happier, like i am valued. when did this happen? when did he feel like no one would notice if┬áhe left!!!? and to honestly believe that, what a horrible feeling! god doesn’t make mistakes, you know this, right?! if not, you do now! GOD DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES! ok i hope you heard me the second time; that means, you are not a mistake!!! if you need me to say it again, just email me or call me and i’ll repeat it as many times as you need me to!

death shakes my core. i don’t know why it affects me soooo much even when i don’t know the person very well. i think once i tried to relate deeply to someone who recently lost someone they loved, and i felt that pain so deep and real, and now i feel it no matter what- like it was my husband i just lost in that dark storm…