Archive for 08/11/2008

monday’s ponder

Posted: 08/11/2008 in Uncategorized

the question was asked of me yesterday, “how have you grown spiritually this week?” 

i wanted to respond: “do you want the long version or the short version?”

but instead i was silent. 

i am really hoping that didn’t leave the ss teacher disappointed – i bet it did! *sigh* i know how i would feel if i asked a question and expected answers and my students sat there silently.

but honestly, what was going through my head, “i can’t say that!!!!!!” (i hadn’t even talked to eric about it yet)

but laying in bed last night, i realized, i needed to and wanted to share…

i’ve really been wrestling for a solid 3 years now. when my husband comes to hug me, i push him away, when he leans in for a kiss, i lean out and come up with some excuse. i recognized what this was doing to him! i just didn’t know what to do about it. i kept telling myself he wasn’t loving me the “right” ways or making me feel “safe” enough to do those things in return… but it wasn’t my fault at all! lol yea, right!

chatting with my sister really helped me to see the core issues here.  i allow love in, but only as much love as i love myself. so i don’t love myself very much right now (well, for three years now) so i stopped allowing him to love me anymore than i loved myself. so i kept him at arms length – literally! 

he leaves me love notes like this on the back side of the washer lid to find when he’s out of town:

but i don’t believe him… cuz i wouldn’t choose me. so i dismiss it. and in turn it makes him feel inadequate (which is a man’s worst fear) and me feel unsafe (a woman’s worst fear). 

i talked to him about it last night, after i spent a lot of time praying about it and really committing to change. i’m sure he was relieved! cuz not only have i been thinking that it’s not my fault that i feel this way – i’ve also been trying to convince him it was all his fault! in just about every argument we have. 

i want my husband to love me. i want to love my husband. i want to love other people the way God commanded. the first to this is to love me first. to accept me as i am. accept that God created me beautifully! just like this! 

this is how i’ve grown this week…

now with my focus completely different. i’m ready! i’m ready for the fourth year of my marriage to begin! 🙂 i betcha it’s the best one yet!