monday’s ponder

Posted: 08/11/2008 in Uncategorized

the question was asked of me yesterday, “how have you grown spiritually this week?” 

i wanted to respond: “do you want the long version or the short version?”

but instead i was silent. 

i am really hoping that didn’t leave the ss teacher disappointed – i bet it did! *sigh* i know how i would feel if i asked a question and expected answers and my students sat there silently.

but honestly, what was going through my head, “i can’t say that!!!!!!” (i hadn’t even talked to eric about it yet)

but laying in bed last night, i realized, i needed to and wanted to share…

i’ve really been wrestling for a solid 3 years now. when my husband comes to hug me, i push him away, when he leans in for a kiss, i lean out and come up with some excuse. i recognized what this was doing to him! i just didn’t know what to do about it. i kept telling myself he wasn’t loving me the “right” ways or making me feel “safe” enough to do those things in return… but it wasn’t my fault at all! lol yea, right!

chatting with my sister really helped me to see the core issues here.  i allow love in, but only as much love as i love myself. so i don’t love myself very much right now (well, for three years now) so i stopped allowing him to love me anymore than i loved myself. so i kept him at arms length – literally! 

he leaves me love notes like this on the back side of the washer lid to find when he’s out of town:

but i don’t believe him… cuz i wouldn’t choose me. so i dismiss it. and in turn it makes him feel inadequate (which is a man’s worst fear) and me feel unsafe (a woman’s worst fear). 

i talked to him about it last night, after i spent a lot of time praying about it and really committing to change. i’m sure he was relieved! cuz not only have i been thinking that it’s not my fault that i feel this way – i’ve also been trying to convince him it was all his fault! in just about every argument we have. 

i want my husband to love me. i want to love my husband. i want to love other people the way God commanded. the first to this is to love me first. to accept me as i am. accept that God created me beautifully! just like this! 

this is how i’ve grown this week…

now with my focus completely different. i’m ready! i’m ready for the fourth year of my marriage to begin! 🙂 i betcha it’s the best one yet!

  1. heathermama says:

    that was TOOO CUTE! 🙂
    you are sooo blessed!

  2. breanna says:

    hopefully he won’t kill me for posting it. ; ) that was what i got while dumping poopy diapers in the wash! how nice!! : )

  3. mc says:

    wow…all i can say is wow to that…I guess i wasn’t observant enough to see that happening! I had no idea.

    But super aww to the notes 🙂

  4. breanna says:

    i know… something happened in me right after we got married and i stopped expressing the ups and downs to the majority of my friends… i think i wanted to portray my marriage as the best! but i think the only way to get the best marriage for eric and i, is to admit fault and be better instead of ignoring and tolerating. i just feel like it’s time to be “real”. i always have been but even more so. i want to be the one who can admit when i need help and go find counseling if that’s whats best for us. i don’t want to act all superior! yuck! ya know?! we aren’t to the point where we want counseling, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t trying everyday to be better spouses. : )
    don’t think too badly of us! ; )

  5. mc says:

    heck no! haha, would never think that. I just was shocked to read it…I guess you played a pretty good front…cause I had no idea. but I guess it’s good to let others in on that too, let’s us know we’re all human and is comforting to a point…or something like that. 🙂

  6. breanna says:

    i guess i think pretending like everything is ok leads to a lot of divorces and misconceptions about what marriage is like… i just want to do my part in it, ya know?

  7. Britt says:

    Good post. It’s refreshing hearing someone else be honest and open about marriage. Too often you hear people say the good things, not that I think we should complain to others and be bitter nags. But I think in the Christian community, admitting that you fight with your husband, that your unhappy sometimes, that you don’t love yourself .. they aren’t things that we’re supposed to say. Kel and I have struggled through very similar things, and the more honest I am with those around me, the more I’ve seen that what we go through is more the norm than I thought. A couple of times I’ve shared things with friends that I thought would make them look at me like I had two heads, and instead they smiled wry smiles and nodded. They understood, cause they’d been there too.

    So thanks for this post :o) I know it would have probably been easier to just mommy-blog the day away .. but I agree, I think this post will hopefully help others to be more honest about their marriages and in turn help them to improve them. I liked this one quote I saw on another blog, where they were talking about blog envy, and how it’s easy to pretend to be something your not on your blog, and be envious because your sure that others are being real and your just not as good as them. One lady said in the quote something to the affect of, “I can’t stand those ‘my husband is just a prince’ posts. My husband is a butt-head. But I still love him.” I agree, and I’d add, “I’m a big butt-head .. but he still loves me!” :o)

    and now that my comment is almost as long as your post, I’ll leave. lol :o)

  8. breanna says:

    lol i agree totally!!! it is easy to mommy blog but it disgusts me when it’s not meat. i want to read meat when i read blogs and i want to give meat… ya know! isnt that why our fav blogs are our favorites? cuz they have something else to them. mommy blogging is sooooooo fun too! but reality here- ya know 🙂 thanks for your comment!

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