what’s it called?

Posted: 11/10/2009 in me

so i haven’t blogged in ummm 7 months or so.

yes there are posts on here.

about the house.

and liz.

but nothing personal.

you’ve noticed i’m sure.

my stats went from 300 to 24.

i know you’ve noticed.

i didn’t really know how to blog anymore after a season in my life.

today, after an hour conversation with my sister.

a light bulb went off.

what’s it called again?

oh. anxiety.

that’s right.

no one gets me.

so why blog?

have you seen those shirts? “i don’t care about your blog”

LOL

that’s how i’ve felt.

no one cares about my anxiety.

no on understands.

even i don’t get it.

i can’t control it.

you think i should be able to.

me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can’t.

it’s debilitating.

my throat closes up.

my stomach swells.

i get diarrhea.

i can’t gain weight.

i don’t hold nutrients.

you say, “don’t stress the small stuff”

“God is in control”.

you are so right!

i agree!!!

panic attacks come from no where.

about nothing.

you can’t understand until it’s happening to you.

the light bulb.

maybe you’ll understand.

i understand now.

now i can talk about it.

it’s a seizure.

my nervous system has a seizure.

about nothing.

triggered by something uncontrolable.

typically non-circumstantial.

i cry.

part of the battle is mental.

i have to take control.

i have to recognize it for what it is.

a seizure of my nervous system.

i have tools to help me over come my seizures as well as mind power.

i’m so thankful for all the support from my family and dear friends.

priceless.

here i am.

on my anxiety journey.

now you know.

it’s been 7 months of knowing it’s anxiety.

it’s been 10 months of severe anxiety.

maybe you don’t understand.

maybe you do.

maybe that’s not what’s important.

maybe just me talking about it is.

maybe it’s another step in getting out of this deep dark hole.

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Comments
  1. God's Gentle Nurturer says:

    I adore you. You aren’t alone. I get you. I only wish I could hug you! 🙂

    If you ever need anyone to ramble through your emotions, know that I’m here. Personally, I could never pinpoint why I felt so anxious but I knew of a hundred thousand possibilities. Understanding my own thoughts seemed impossible and felt like a tangled up ball of yarn. Talking it out and being heard has always helped me. It didn’t make sense a lot of times, and other times I felt like I was saying it was this thing over here and would discover that it had nothing to do with that. I learned it doesn’t have to make sense but that you get to sense eventually. I have learned to recognize my anxieties and I believe it’s because I’ve learned to get through my thoughts. A scripture that helped me the most was Proverbs 16:3

    “Commit your works to the LORD, and your thoughts will be established.”

    Work it out – even if you write in private, record yourself, talk to a friend, or write me. Working through it will allow you to get through the maze of thoughts. 🙂

    I adore you!!! You aren’t alone!!! I get you!!!

    {{HUGS}}

  2. stampit74 says:

    drop, drop, tears…it can’t have you! so keep fighting. Healing will come.
    love you!
    mom

  3. sarah n says:

    Hey Brea, although each person is different I can really relate to the pain of panic attacks. The weaning process of breastfeeding Tate and Callie caused me to have really bad panic attacks. They quit a couple months after I was done nursing Tate(but by that time I was pregant again) but were worse with Callie. I had such a traumatic birthing time with Callie and difficult time after. I had post partum deppression pretty bad for the whole year, and it was only when I began weaning her and the panic attacks came back full force that I got help. I feel for you!! Panic attacks are horrible!! I pray God’s peace for you.

  4. MC says:

    sending you a super huge hug…while it’s true I don’t know how exactly you feel, I can imagine how out of control it must be. and i’m here for you whenever you need to talk…and whenever you just need to get rid of a little bit of the craziness. always. 🙂

  5. breanna says:

    thanks for all your encouragement you guys!! the private comments and personal emails as well… thanks!

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