be real

Posted: 06/11/2010 in baby bean #2, me

i’m thinking it’s time to be a bit real.

the end.

it stinks.

it’s hard.

i thought the second time would be easier.

gearing up for labor is… well, labor.

maybe i shouldn’t have marked my calendar.

i did.

may 14 was when my body started working hard towards labor.

i truly did not believe, on that day, that i would be pregnant today.

i was certain my baby would be in my arms within hours.

i am very jealous of those ladies who just go into labor.

they do not have unpredictable, sporadic, hard contractions for weeks.

and just seem to suddenly go into labor.

they are rare… but i can still be jealous of them, right?

yea, probably not wise.

i recognize that each contraction is progress.

it’s just not the progress at the speed i’m after.

i’m the, let’s get-er-done type and well that’s not at all what happens at the end of my pregnancies.

i have no control.

that’s the problem.

that’s what it all boils down to.

i choose this.

i choose no intervention, no matter what.

i choose to trust my body and nature and know that this design is way beyond me and my peabrain and all of this is necessary for a reason i will never know.

and that intervention can cause a ripple effect of problems that i choose to avoid.

i have to find peace in that…

…knowing this is what is best.

peace i will find…

somewhere.

somehow.

i believe the end is hard, because labor is harder.

and well, i am a big baby. so i need prepared for the harder things.

i need the hard thing so i actually get to a point where i look forward to the sweet release of the labor and birth.

there is something in me that is desperately craving labor and birth.

something that i can not get out of my head at any moment i am awake.

and when i am sleeping, i’m having dreams of contractions/water breaking/ and crowning.

it’s all consuming.

and out of my control.

if it could be willed to happened, it would have been already.

who doesn’t want to just finally experience something they have been desperate to happen for so long?

it’s time to be done.

it’s time to know.

it’s time to move on to new challenges and dynamics.

it’s time.

so remind me why “it’s time” does not mean NOW?

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Comments
  1. Breanna…..i’m praying for you. 🙂 This too shall pass and in due time you’ll be holding that precious gift. REMEMBER God’s Word:

    For You formed my inward parts;
    You knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
    I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
    Ps. 139:13-15

    Not only is that baby Fearfully and Wonderfully Made but so is his mommy to do the work set before her in HIS timing, however. 😦

    just sayin! 🙂

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